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For All Northerners

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And
Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke or pop. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Ted Turner of Turner Broadcasting & Atlanta Braves, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Weather Channel). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton, Jesse Jackson). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to take a seat in the Senate. If she tried to do that, we would definitely have to kick her ass.

6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray -haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all & really lucky if we let you eat any of OUR barbecue. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Drinkin' and Drivin' In Kentucky

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."


Lesson In Worms

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.


After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.


Lesson:

As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

RULES FOR VISITING KENTUCKY

ATTENTION ALL VISITORS TO KENTUCKY!  HERE'S THA RULES!"

1. Pull up your pants and take that earring out. You look like an idiot.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. So, drive or git outta the way.

3. Yeah, we all started hunting and fishing before we started to school. Sure, we saw "Bambi" but we got over it.

4. Go ahead. Bring your Orvis Fly Rod--but don't cry when a catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 10 inch bass you're fishing for--we call it "bait."

5. That bent-over farmer did more work before breakfast than you do all week, including your visits to the gym. He does't need your respect but he surely DESERVES IT.

6. If your cell phone rings while we're in the woods waiting on a buck, we'll shoot it. You might hope you don't have it to your ear at the time.

7. If you bring "Coke" into our homes, it'd better be brown, wet, and best served over a glass of ice.

8. You have a ,000 car? We're not impressed. Heck, we drive tractors, cotton pickers and hay balers that cost a quarter million dollars--and we only drive them a few weeks each year.

9. Yeah, we eat catfish, deer, rabbit, and squirrel. You want sushi? It's available at the bait shop.

10. What's that? People are waving at you in your car and smiling at you on the streets? We call it being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

11. And finally, we still believe in the Bible; that Jesus is the only way to get to Heaven because Adam's sin separated man from God. Don't you?

Please, ENJOY YOUR VISIT. You might even like us so well you'll want to stay. But, if not, there are interstates running four ways: north, south, east and west. JUST PICK ONE.